


Forgiving Carisi

by LakeYarina



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lawyer Boyfriends, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, but they're engaged, you can kinda gather what the plot is from the title
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:35:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21799219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LakeYarina/pseuds/LakeYarina
Summary: It's common knowledge around SVU that Sonny bounced all around the state of New York before he landed at Manhattan SVU. When the squad catches a case involving his first police captain, everyone discovers the real reason for his seemingly sporadic transfers.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah. this is bascially forgiving rollins but with sonny. though in this universe forgiving rollins still happened. so trigger warning for boss/subordinate abuse and sexual assault.

“How was the NYPD conference?” Sonny said as he held the Starbucks door open for Amanda, “I can’t say I miss those.” He continued, Amanda laughing and rolling her eyes as they got in line.

“Good as it could be, but this morning we had a rookie from Staten Island come into the precinct. He was freaking out so Liv took him into her office, and he said a captain from Staten Island raped him at the conference.” She said, lowering her voice as to not disturb the other Starbucks patrons who were likely, not interested in hearing about SVU business at two in the afternoon. Sonny turned away from Amanda to order their coffee, hoping she would change the topic.

“120th precinct captain to be exact.” She said as they walked over to the pickup counter, Sonny stopping short and turning back to her when the number left her mouth. He had tried his damnedest to forget the number even existed, after walking out of the precinct building for the last time seven years ago in 2012. If Amanda noticed the change in his demeanor, she didn’t say anything, continuing to talk. “Since the conference was in Manhattan it’s our business, but they’ll probably try to make us bounce it anyways. Liv’s stubborn though, and how upset the rookie was really got to her. She even asked if I wanted to take this case off because she’s worried it’ll remind me too much of Patton.” She finished, Sonny not meeting her eyes.

“Captain Gallagher.” He said, voice tight. Amanda raised an eyebrow. “You know him?” She asked cautiously, Sonny shaking his head. “Past tense.” He mumbled, thankfully that a barista chose that exact moment to call out their names from behind the counter.  
-  
After their break, Carisi went back to One Hogan and Amanda back to SVU, almost immediately being ushered into Olivia's office with Fin, and Chief Dodds, who had evidently shown up when he got wind of the case they were currently about to open. 

“Carisi got his start as a patrol officer in the 120th precinct, you think he might know anything?” Dodds threw out, Amanda pulling her eyebrows together. He defiantly had 'forgotten' to tell her that when she brought the case up just 30 minutes ago.  


“You know, I brought the case up when I saw him over break, and he acted real weird. When I asked if he knew Gallagher he told me it was more of a past tense thing and changed the topic.” She said, Olivia lowering her glasses. “He didn’t mention he used to work for him?” She asked, Amanda shaking her head.  


“Well, get him down here,” Dodds said, Amanda stepping out of the room to call him, and trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her chest as the wheels in her head began to turn.  
-  
Sonny stood with his hands folded in front of him, trying to force down the urge to shake his foot against the ground.

“Gallagher is 4th generation NYPD, you know the type. He takes his job, takes everything about policing extremely seriously.” He said, Dodds crossing his arms over his chest. “You know as well as anyone about open secrets Counselor, you ever hear anything about him being a creep?” He asked, Carisi shrugging.

“I didn’t make many friends,” He started, forcing a chuckle. “I wasn’t exactly privy to watercooler gossip. He’s married though, nice wife.” He finished, forcing a smile and trying to ignore that none of the four people in front of him seemed to be satisfied with his answer.

“A lot of bad people have good wives, but do you think he’s good for this?” Amanda asked, narrowing her eyes. Carisi avoided her gaze, looking off. “It’s hard to tell exactly what people are capable of in this day and age. We all know the thin blue line is bullshit, you don’t need me to tell you that.” Sonny responded, taking a small step back towards the door.

“Thank you Carisi, if you want to stick around and call Hadid that would be great,” Olivia said, Carisi nodding and leaving the office without another word, shutting the door behind him.

“I don’t want to jump to conclusions or anything,” Fin started, glancing out the window to make sure the ADA wasn’t loitering by the door before continuing. “But is he reminding you of how you were when Patton went down?” He looked towards Amanda and asked. Olivia sighed, Amanda, giving her a defeated look. “I wish he wasn’t.” She said softly, Liv’s phone buzzing before anyone could say anything else.

“Kat just brought Gallagher in for his interview, so I guess we’re about to find out. Amanda, go join her.” She said, everyone, filing out of her office and towards the interview room. She met eyes with Carisi and Hadid across the bullpen, both of them joining the rest of the squad in front of the two-way mirror.  
-  
Captain Gallagher looked and acted exactly like Amanda had expected him too. Slicked back hair with NYPD lapel pins, and going on and on about how the rookie had come onto him drunk and that he felt _just awful_ about being unfaithful to his wife. 

“You know I really hate to burst your bubble,” Kat started, Gallagher scoffing. “But the rape kit showed tearing and abrasions. The rookie came in here hysterical, and you except us, with all that, to believe this was consensual?” She said, the man deflating slightly. “She’s getting to him,” Fin said, Carisi turning his eyes away from the window, almost wanting to laugh at the fact that they thought they would be able to outsmart the captain.

“You know what I think?” Gallagher said after a minute of silence, turning his head back towards the two-way mirror. “I think your ADA out there set you all up to this.”

And there was the shoe everyone, except maybe Kat and Hadid, were anxiously waiting to see drop. Sonny felt Olivia giving him _that_ look, and started to feel lightheaded.

“ADA Sonny Carisi, never thought I’d see the day that happened. Surprised he even stayed in the force for so long that one.” Gallagher continued. Amanda looked two seconds from flipping the table on him, Kat glancing back towards the window with a confused look before turning her attention back to the captain.

“What does our ADA have to do with you raping a rookie cop?” She said, the man only laughing. Sonny felt his hands start to tremble, but sidestepped when Olivia tried to reach out a comforting hand.

“You ever wonder why he bounced around almost every borough in the state of New York before he landed in Manhattan?” He said, shaking his head. “Carisi has an ax to grind with us good Staten Island folks. You ask him what he did to get out of trouble when he damn near killed a superior officer over a little workplace banter. What’s the quote? Inside every person you know is a person you don’t.” He concluded. Amanda got up and shoved her chair in so hard it hit the table with a loud clang, the sound of the door to the interrogation room slamming behind her even louder.

“Counselor what is he talking about?” Hadid asked before Amanda could say anything, Carisi forcing himself to move from where his feet felt glued and starting to speed walk towards the elevator, Amanda on his tail.

“You know why I left Atlanta, you really think I’m going to let this go?” She said, pain echoing through her voice. It almost made Sonny want to turn around. Almost. He slowed his pace though, swallowing the lump in his throat. “This isn’t like that, I wasn’t-“ He started, the rest of the sentence dying on his tongue as his throat started to close up. 

“Wasn’t what, asking for it like me?” She said, immediately regretting it when he turned around, eyes glazed over with tears.

“That isn’t what I meant, I’m sorry,” He said quietly. Fin appeared then, gently putting a hand on Amanda’s shoulder and giving Sonny a sympathetic look. “Let him go Amanda.” He said and Sonny gave him a grateful look, practically throwing himself into the elevator and slamming his entire hand on the close door button over and over, the door closing just a second before the dam broke, and a choked sob escaping his throat.  
-  
“What the hell happened?” Rafael said the second Sonny stepped over the threshold thirty minutes later, Sonny half tempted to turn around and walk right back out. Of course, Olivia had texted him. Not details, he knew she wouldn’t do that to him. Or would she? Sonny wondered. His trust meter with about everyone in his contacts list having hit rock bottom in the past 2 hours.

“Whatever Olivia told you is bullshit. I’m fine.” He said and slipped his shoes off, sighing when Rafael took another step closer. “You don’t look fine soleado, please talk to me,” Rafael said softly, Sonny forcing a dry laugh. “There’s nothing to talk about.” He said weakly, the other man cocking his head. “Your old captain,” Rafael started, Sonny deciding he was not having that conversation and brushing past him.

“I said there’s nothing to fucking talk about, I’m taking a shower.” He snapped as he walked down the hallway to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and turning the water on before stepping back and looking in the mirror. _No wonder Raf said I didn’t look fine_ he thought, staring at himself. His eyes were red and puffy from crying on the train, and his lips peeling and slightly bloody from his chewing on them throughout the day. He didn’t even realize he was crying again until he heard a knock on the door, and soon after it, Rafael’s voice.

“I don’t want to be a pushover Sonny, I’m just worried about you. If it makes you feel any better Liv didn’t tell me much. Just that you were coming home early because the case with your old captain was making you upset.” It did make him feel somewhat better that she had spared him the details, but knowing Rafael would want to know them anyway just made him upset all over again, and in the moment only made him cry harder. Rafael knocked again. “Cariño, can I please come in? You don’t have to talk, I just don’t want to leave you alone like this.” He said, voice pained. “It’s not locked” Sonny mumbled, the door cracking open. Rafael stepped forward and placed a hand on the side of Sonny’s face, wiping away a few of his tears with the pad of his thumb.

“How long have you been pushing this down?” He said gently. _Of course he knows_ Sonny thought. Even without Liv telling him. He knew his partner as well as he knew the ins and outs of the New York City subway system. He knew him too well not to piece together what exactly was going. To see that his first Captain being accused of rape got him this worked up, connect that with the fact that in his 6 years of knowing him he had never once brought up his days as a patrol cop, and draw his own conclusions. Sonny didn’t answer, he couldn’t. Instead, he just let himself slump down into Rafael’s embrace, crying into his shoulder. 

_"The older I become, the more I dream of a world where I don't need so much armor."  
\- J.M. Storm_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just some housekeeping: the svu wikia said sonny started as a patrol cop in staten island while the wikipedia apparently says the bronx, which i just discovered today. for the sake of this story we're going to stick with the staten island version, so sorry if that ruffles any feathers!
> 
> trigger warning for homophobic slurs (they're recalled in a memory) and boss/subordinate sexual assault. this chapter is also pretty dialogue heavy which i apolgize for, but please enjoy <3

Sonny cried on and off throughout the evening, eventually crying himself to exhaustion and falling asleep on the couch, head in Rafael's lap, at nine pm. He had explained bits and pieces of what happened with Gallagher, but not coherently enough for Rafael to make total sense of his account. He ran a hand through Sonny's hair, pulling out his phone to text Olivia.

 **Rafa**  
Do you think it would help if he gave an on the record statement?

 **Olivia**  
It would establish a pattern. I don't think we're going to be able to convince the rookie to testify, so anything he can share would help. How is he?

Rafael sighed, trying to think of a way to respond to that question that wasn't "he just passed out from exhaustion after having more or less having a panic attack for four straight hours".

 **Rafa**  
Not great. He just fell asleep though, and hopefully getting some rest will help.

Rafael put his phone back down and leaned down to press a kiss to Sonny's hair, sighing. "How could anyone hurt you," He said quietly, leaning over the flick off the lamp next to their couch and saying a silent prayer that sleep would soon take him as well. He was going to need it.  
-  
When Sonny woke up he was alone, and confused to find himself laying on the couch instead of in bed. He sat up slowly, rolling his shoulders back and wincing when they cracked. Maybe crashing without stumbling down the hallway to their room wasn't the best idea. Rafael turned around from the kitchen at the noise, smiling softly.

"I didn't have the heart to wake you up." He said and walked over with two mugs of coffee, setting them on the table and resting a hand on Sonny's arm.

"Has Liv called?" He asked, now awake enough for all the events of the past twenty-four hours to be flying back in his face at breakneck speed. Rafael nodded, having spoken on the phone with her, and Dodds and Amanda by proxy, for almost an hour before Sonny woke up. "She wanted me to talk to you about making an on the record statement about what happened with Gallagher." He said, Sonny's face faltering. He didn't say anything, Rafael giving his hand a squeeze and continuing. "It doesn't have to be every detail start to finish. Just enough to establish that he has a pattern."

"That rookie's not testifying, is he?" Sonny said after a beat, picking his coffee up off the table and taking a slow sip. "They don't think so," Rafael responded, Sonny biting his lip. He didn't blame the kid, whoever he was. He would be a hypocrite if he did.

"Do you have time to go in with me? For my statement?" 

"Of course, it's finals season, I won't have anything to grade until Friday." He said, Sonny nodding and standing up. "I'm gonna shower, but tell Liv I'll be there." He said, mumbling something Rafael couldn't hear to himself as he walked off down the hallway.  
-  
They sat on the couch in Olivia's office, Sonny squeezing Rafael's hand a little tighter with every passing second. Olvia was behind her desk, Dodds standing while Amanda sat on the edge of the desk across from Sonny. His mouth felt dry, and he wanted nothing more than to get up and run out of the building. Rafael had told him multiple times before they even walked in that he didn't have to do this, but he said he was fine and sure he _lied_ but he would feel worse if he backed out now.

"When I worked in the 120th precinct there was this guy, Matthew Preston. I got kinda picked on and jostled around by everyone, but Matt was the worst. Even the guys that couldn't stand me told him he needed to leave me alone. Not that he listened." He started, trying not to rush his words. "The second I hit my two-year mark and was allowed to test into being a detective, I signed up and did it. When Matt found out he came up to me in the locker room and said 'I don't know they let fags be detectives. I guess sodomites are really moving up in the world.'"

Rafael saw red at hearing Sonny repeat those words, filled with the desire to go find whoever the fuck Matthew Preston was and whale him. He tried not to let his anger show on his face, but directed a hardened look at Dodds, who to his credit looked just as upset.

"I shoved him, hard, and he hit his head on a locker. Got a real bad concussion, so bad it put him into a coma. He made a full recovery and decided against pressing charges, but IAB swopped down anyhow. They didn't have a choice, I understood. But I had just passed the detective's exam. I went from being excited about getting the hell out of the 120th to being told I was likely going to be suspended indefinitely. Then, Gallagher told me that if I did him a favor he could make it go away." He said, looking down. "I knew, I mean I had heard he was closeted, deeply closeted. There were whispers. People warned against going in his office with the door closed, being the last one at the precinct with him. I knew exactly what he meant by favor and I told him no. I told him that I was sorry he was in the closet but that I'd rather lose my job than my integrity."

"And then he asked if I had told my family about Matt yet. He asked how I was going to explain to them why I couldn't be a cop anymore. Why I lost my temper, why I let being insecure about some old fashioned banter ruin my career." He continued, mentally kicking himself when he felt a lump forming in his throat. He had told himself he wouldn't, couldn't cry. "So I,- I arranged for him to come to my apartment that night."

Suddenly the words that had been coming to him with ease stopped, his mouth going dry. Amanda's face softened. 

"I agreed to meet Patton at a hotel Sonny. It didn't change a thing, it didn't make what he did my fault." She said, Rafael mouthing _'thank you'_ towards her and giving Sonny's hand a squeeze. The ADA took a deep breath, and continued talking. 

"When he showed up he was drunk, sloppy drunk. And I told him to go home. I told him that I changed my mind and that I would find a way to explain the situation to my parents and that if he left I would never tell anyone he had been over in the first place." Sonny said, his words starting to talk on a more aggressive tone. He was pissed at himself, at Gallagher, but mostly at himself. 

"He grabbed me by the neck and shoved me against my counter and said 'you don't get to chicken out now, don't you know I don't take no for an answer?'" 

With those words Sonny was crying, Rafael leaning forward to grab the tissue box off of Olivia's desk, gently placing it in Sonny's lap. Sonny didn't take any, sniffling and continuing to talk. _Almost done_ he thought, his hands shaky.

"He was gone when I woke up. But he called me and said he got IAB to drop the investigation. I told him I was going to report him and he said he would get me a job with Vice, , that I could start immediately if I kept my mouth shut." He continued, picking at his cuticles. "I didn't really click well with the Vice guys so I moved to Staten Island SVU. Two months after I transferred there my captain there called me into her office and said she heard I had some issues with the 120th and that if I wanted to talk to someone she could refer me to a therapist. I told her I shouldn't have pushed Matt and she said she wasn't talking about him, she was talking about Gallagher. I started having a panic attack like a nervous kid in the principal's office. She said another patrol cop made an outcry against him and mentioned that the same thing happened to me. I had, I had no idea that people knew. I told her it was bullshit and got so paranoid that I put in to transfer to Brooklyn."

"Who was the other cop?" Dodds asked, pulling his eyebrows together. Sonny snapped his head up from staring at the carpet but didn't meet the chief's eyes. "Peter Keenan. He uh, he killed himself. I told my captain Gallagher would never do something like that and he killed himself. He had a brand new baby girl. And she doesn't get to grow up with her dad because I was a fucking coward." Sonny said bitterly. "That's no one's fault but Gallagher's Carisi, you were scared," Olivia said, Sonny only giving a dry laugh in response.

"And me being scared cost him his life." He mumbled, shaking his head. "Brooklyn was shit but I didn't want whispers started if I put in to transfer again so I just annoyed my unit until my captain did the deed for me." Sonny continued, sighing. "Queens was worse. I felt like everyone was talking about me. They weren't, probably, but I got so paranoid I damn near had a nervous breakdown. When the job offer came through from Manhattan I knew it was my last shot." He said, starting to get choked up again. "And then I came here, and there was you, and Amanda, and Nick and Fin, everyone here was so good. When I came here, I found what I had wanted out of a career for so long." He said, forcing a smile and meeting eyes with Olivia, then Amanda and Rafael. "You saved my life." He said, Amanda and Olivia both becoming teary-eyed.

"And, based on my experience, I believe Gallagher is guilty." He finished, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. It was silent in the office for a moment, Amanda the one to break it. "Can I hug you?" She said, Sonny nodding and standing up to meet her halfway, Amanda throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing him close. They stayed like that for a minute, Amanda pulling back first and squeezing his shoulder. "I'm proud of you," She said softly, Rafael standing up to join his partner's side, snaking an arm around his waist.

"You're free to go Carisi," Olivia started, pulling open her desk drawer and grabbing a small business card. "And I want you to call my therapist. He's good, and even if he's not a good fit he can help you find someone who is." She finished, passing the card to him and giving Rafael a pointed look that said _make sure he does this_. He gave her a nod of appreciation and led Sonny out, the pair silent until they were back outside.

"I hate him, I hate him so much," Sonny said and stopped walking, his voice laced with venom as he watched the New York City traffic whiz by. Watched the world keep going while his own life felt like it was moving in slow motion. Rafael frowned, interlacing their fingers and using his other hand to gently turn his head back to him.

"You're such a good man Sonny. You were a good cop, you're an even better lawyer." Rafael started, moving his thumb in small circles over the back of Sonny's hand. "I'm so sorry someone took advantage of that." He said, Sonny biting his lip. He didn't say anything, leaning more into Rafael's side as they started back towards the train.

_"Once I knew only darkness and stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living".  
\- Helen Keller_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i listened to the song 'i'll be good' by jaymes young on loop while reading this and now i'm sad but tysm for all the kudos/hits/bookmarks. i live for comments! (-;
> 
> the next/last chapter will be more trial focused, and quite a bit longer.


End file.
